It's Cool if You Treat Me, Right?

Help me out, I'm in a bind.

It's Cool if You Treat Me, Right?
I know this seems weird, but I'm from the Pacific Northwest. So it's all relative, man. 

Soooo, I was just wondering… would you mind, uh… would you mind helping me out? I have this rash, see, on my, well… uh–

Right! Of course, introduce myself first!  Name’s Sasquatch, some people call me the “old man” of the forest. But that's never really felt right. It’s not  a gender identity thing, I just literally don’t think of myself as human. I’m not sure what I am, technically speaking, I guess no one does. Did you know that my DNA is actually more bear-like than anything else?

That’s kinda why I’m asking you for medical advice, since you guys are all veterinarians. Can’t you work on anything besides people? Or do any of your colleagues do cryptid medicine? My friend Luís (he’s a chupacabra that’s been up here on a work permit bleeding goats for the USDA lab outside Tillamook) was saying that this vet helped him out with a rash too. I really need help!

It really itches! I’ve tried everything but it’s not working. I normally like to do herbal care, but my echinacea fields got plowed into a Fred Meyer parking lot (it’s like a Pacific Northwest Wal-Mart).

Do you mind if I call you doc? Boy, do they get upset about little stuff like that at the human hospital! I had to go there once after a logging truck backed over me, and it was like, Your insurance doesn’t cover this! You need a referral for that! Specialists are booked out eight months!

The receptionist didn’t even look up from the screen when I came in all hurt. I mean, I’m eight-foot-friggin-three! Plus! You should have seen the gown they gave me, it was a joke! Barely covered my–

So, yeah, actually about that. I’m really in a bind. See, there’s this hot yeti that’s totally been giving me good vibes lately and I just feel like some antibiotics would clear this up. So it's no big deal, right? And hey, while you’re at it, got anything to help me fall asleep? Damn spotted owls are keeping me up all night.  

All I want is an honest doctor to help a hairy primate out. I already have the script pad filled out (found it in your clinic’s trash), all I'm asking for is a little signature. Also, I don’t know if we can work out, like a payment plan or anything? I’m a little short on cash, being a forager and all.

No??!!! Hey, what’s your problem?! I’m a friggin’ endangered mythical ape from the cloud forest of Oregon! You can’t treat me like this! I’m a legend! You’re supposed to help! I’m gonna write you a bad Yelp review! You’ll never treat another fabled simian again!